Something occurred as I sat there singing...
Suddenly, in my mind's eye, I saw a plant being uprooted from its current soil. Nothing looked wrong with the soil....it looked exactly like soil is supposed to look...earthy if you will. But uprooted it was, gently and with every single root in tact. Then as if moved with a precise mechanical arm, it was planted in different soil nearby where it almost instantly budded and bloomed.
Curious, I shared with my mom and sisters and some of the other women who had joined us in worship. I didn't really have any interpretation, merely the picture. Well honestly I didn't really want an interpretation because last year, Jesus had been speaking to me about "newness springing forth" and I, with all the forbearance of a preteen, have been pouting ever since.
"Nothing new happened in 2016, Lord! Mostly hard things and heartaches and I honestly cannot hear another promise that lingers unfulfilled!' Can you stamp your foot at God? I was certainly doing my best.
Let me explain...
The past few years I have been asking the Lord for a theme verse and believing it had an integral part in my year as a whole.
In 2015, it was Romans 5: 1-5 "Therefore since we have been justifies through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."
And then a camper died. And another...
And my sweet sister got a concussion on my watch.
And my best friend lost a family member to suicide.
And my dream of living overseas felt further away than ever.
In 2016, it was Isaiah 43:19 "Behold I am doing a new thing, now it shall spring forth; shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."
And a sibling cut me out of their life.
And I experienced attacks on my character and reputation.
And a marriage dear to my heart teetered on extinction and then officially died.
And I couldn't seem to get it together when it comes to romantic relationships; I run or sabotage or overthink.
I have spent the last two years striving to stay connected to my God in what has mostly felt a literal wilderness. I have felt alone and misunderstood and disliked and hurt. And out of my insecurities, I have hurt others.
Yet I so desperately wanted to walk in HOPE and NEWness, and I was trying to make it happen myself.
This year, I didn't ask for a verse. Like a young child who behaves as if hiding her face will make her invisible. I believe my exact words to Him were "No thank you".
So I didn't ask for a verse...
I didn't pore over my Bible this December with excitement, wondering "what do you have for me this year, God?"
I didn't want to know.
Fast forward to my mental picture of replanting. I thought "hmm, that's interesting...I'll write it down, I guess."
I didn't.
And then my mom sent me an email a week later detailing how that picture had been very meaningful in her time with the Lord. As I read her email, I actually read it. That is to say, my heart received it.
And over and over again, this refrain sounded in my head "rooted and grounded in love".
Rooted and grounded in love.
Oh, that you would be rooted and grounded in love!
It sounded like a Bible verse and so begrudgingly I looked it up.
"That He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in your inner man, that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height--to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God." (Ephesians 3:16-19)
I believe that, despite my lack of effort, the Lord IS replanting my thoughts. Some old rutts and habits of thinking...changed in an instant. Flipped on their head so to speak.
In 2015, I spent the year working with some of my favorite people in one of my favorite places (Pine Valley Camp).
And I got to spend real face time with my sweet Julie.
And had the opportunity to get even closer to wonderful Lelebird (perhaps closer than we planned LOL).
And had a new apartment built just for me.
And a new sister to love and get to know.
In 2016, I made some new deep friendships and deepened some old friendships.
And I found a wonderful church family out here in Pittsburgh.
And my baby brother has been kept safe on his deployments.
And my beautiful Julie married her other best friend (the Ryan one) and I got to be there.
And new precious babies!!! (some I got to spend time with more than others).
And recently...
A friend suggested "The Meaning of Marriage" by Timothy Keller (READ IT) and I am realizing I was wrong about marriage, in both my embitterment and my idyllic fantasy.
And in one phone call, I realized I love my family more than I love my plans and I need to act like it.
Let's just say, nothing has really changed. And yet everything has changed.
And I had nothing really to do with it at all...